one more thing

I'd just like to say, i must have a buttload of good karma supporting me.  Many stories I hear from podcasts are of people having much higher CD4 counts than I have and getting full blown AIDS with only very limited life expectancies.. And here I am with virually no immune system still getting by.  

I don't believe in God or angels or any of that hooplah.. but something must be protecting me.  And all I can guess is i must have a buttload more good karma than I thought possible.  

Now watch, since I said that I'll probably be a gonner in a month's time.

C'est la vie.  eh?

reliving the past

another sleepless night. I did fall asleep for a little at first, but had a weird dream that woke me up and sent my mind racing.  

I Don't think i'm afraid of dying. It's not something I stress about or fear all my waking moments. I know that with my immune system so wrecked, i could get sick any time, and be in the hospital one day and gone a few days later.  It's something I have no control over and does no good worrying about it too much.   But at night, my mind keeps going over my past, how I could have lived my life differently, what might have happened had my earlier "relationships" continued and had I never met B.  I use the word relationships in quotes because they could hardly be called that.  

Being a gay teen, i had absolutely zero dating options in high school... I take that back, I had one dating option, but he was a friend, though senior year i found out through rumors that we apparently were dating.   

I don't want to get into the gory details of me sexual/emotional development on this blog.  That's not what it's for.  But anyway.. now on to happier subjects.  

last weekend mom and B and I went to a workshop by Legacy Community Health, a five hour class about HIV and AIDS.  You read that right.  FIVE hours.  with complimentary donuts/kolaches and blood tests to boot.  I"m sorry to say I didn't really learn anything during the class, except that i still need to put on a little more weight so I don't get cold so easily.  

Anyway, Thursday I got a call from the lady who did the class with my lab results.  I had no idea they were going to do that until they sent us down to the lab.. so it's kind of nice to nit have to wait until August.  All-in-all for someone who maybe had just been diagnosed with HIV and knew absolutely nothing about it, it would have been a very informative class.  

So, whoever they use for testing must have more accurate testing methods or equipment than Quest Diagnostics, because they were able to tell me that I have a whole 10 t-cells per cubic mL of blood, where before i only knew i had "less than 20" CD4.  SO I still need some help in the immune department.  But in the couple of weeks since my last visit with Dr. C  my viral load had dropped another 151 to 750. So the meds are still working.  Yea!

Well.. 6:30 in the morn.. starting to get light outside, so i should probably try again and get some sleep before the sun is up all the way.  getting my hair cut tomorrow (today) and then having lunch with mommy.  :-)

Well dangit.. i was thinking my CD4 would have been part of my test last week but i guess it was just Viral Load. But good news.. My viral load is down to 901 from 669,000. Dr. C said that treatment is normally considered a success if after 2 months the VL drops 10-fold which would have beeen 67000... so that much of a drop means that maybe by next month i'll be in Undetectable range. But now i have to wait another two months to find out about my CD4.

Official weigh in was at 134 pounds. Up 20 pounds from a month ago.. which is good and bad... it's the most i've ever weighed in all my life. But, i'm also going to have to start watching what and how much i eat.. Something i've never had to do before.
I can't keep gaining 5 pounds a week. I'll be a total blob in no time.

Dr. C thinks i should see a rise in CD4 next test at the end of July. And then, if it's high enough, I'll be ready for some vaccines that he wants me to have.