I read many blogs where people call themselves victims of HIV or AIDS. But I just don't buy it. I see myself as a patient, not a victim. A victim, to me, would be someone who was raped, or did their best to have safer sex all the time but still got infected or like Ryan White, a hemophiliac that was infected by tainted transfusion.
As much as I hate myself now for it, I did not play safe as a teen. It is no one's fault but my own. And I am not a victim. I have no one to blame but myself. I knew the consequences of barebacking but chose not to use condoms because I "didn't like them" - and now must face the facts. I don't expect pity or anything from others, and all I can do now is try to reduce the amount of suffering my loved ones feel should I get sick and die.
As much of an inconvenience as taking meds may be, (which right now it's not much of one) i will not complain. And should I be bed-ridden in a hospital in a month or 6 months or whenever, i will still be happy.
Had I been diagnosed 10 years ago, I might have started treatment immediately. By now I might have been a salvage case - resistances to most drugs and not many options left. Where being diagnosed late, i might have a higher chance of progressing to full blown AIDS, but i've had 10 wonderful years with my family and significant other that I love with all my heart - and might still have some more years to enjoy their company.
I'm sort of glad that my dad passed away in March. Now he won't have to watch should I die from AIDS in the future. I wish that B or my remaining family wouldn't have to live through that either.
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