Now for the double post: I apoligize for the negativity of this portion, but it's been on my mind lately.
I don't know how much longer I can take of this...
I can live with walking the way I walk now for the rest of my life. I don't fall and only occasionally need a hand to get up from a low chair or if I've been sitting for a long time
I can live with having help cutting my steak for as rarely as I eat food that requires being cut. And I can live with having to lean my walking stick against the wall to open a door with a twist handle. I can even live without playing flute for the rest of my life(it was always my weakest instrument any way and I was never all that good). But I don't think I can live with not being able to play clarinet/saxophone for the rest of my life. (*especially* clarinet) for eighteen years of my life, clarinet/music was *ALL* I knew. That's nearly two thirds of my life. Sometimes I wish the stroke had just killed me July 28, 2008 rather than make me go through the pain of not being able to play any more. A couple of nights ago I had one of my moments Where I had a dream about playing, even poorly, and I was happy for a moment in the dream world. But when I awoke to my usual sorrow of realizing it was just a dream and my hand was still s useless mass of flesh and bones, I started sobbing uncontrollably.. I had to get up and go to the coputer to finish sobbing soI wouldn't wake B. I tried to move my hand for a while cursing it and beating it when it wouldn't do crap for me; sobbing further.
I suppose I could learn to live without playing saxophone considering I was nothing compared to real saxophonists. I had two former students that are both very talented musicians and saxophone players. But looking at my track record as a teacher, I think I just got lucky with having two gifted children so closely spaced and from the same school that I let myself be convinced I was finally a decent teacher, and thought it ironic that my best students were not playing the instrument I spent so much of my life trying to perfect my art on. When really I can take no credit for the success these two young players have had; They would have been just as successful with any teacher.
Friday, January 22, 2010
Today is probably going to be a double post. first an update... My appointment with Dr. C was back on the 7th of January... The stupid lab didn't run my CD4 test, so my doc wouldn't see me until thy got the rest of the results in. so I'm still undetectable and my CD4 is up another nine points to 101.
I'm still on the Bactrim until i get above 200 and stay there for a couple of months or so. My rehab doc gave me a prescription for Nortiptyline a while back because the Ambien wasn't doing any good. All it did was make me a zombie where I couldn't even walk to the bedroom but once I was asleep the effects didn't help me sleep any longer than without it. The new stuff actually seems to help.. I still wake a up alot at night to turn over, but I'm more easily able to go back to sleep. From reading abotu the drug, it sounds like it is also used to treat bed-wetting. so I guess because of that it dries me out some and I don't usually have to get up to pee at night which I think also contributs to me being able to go back to sleep easier. We've switched to yet another therapy place. My time at the last place was up and When I was at the rehab doc for my last round of Botox in December, she gave us a referral to this other place up near us just around the corner from the last place... As usual, the OT doesn't seem to really know what to do with me... but she's not a sadistic bitch like the OT at the last place... I still miss the god part time therapist from the last place. She was the only person in the last year and a half to give me any glimmer of hope that I would be able to use my hand again. The only problem is that the scheduling lady has it in her head the my insurance is going to stop covering two therapy sessions on the same day starting in February.. so that rather than us going two days a week and having OT and PT back-to=back, We'll have to come four days a week doing one each day! The insurance company says that's not true, but the scheduling lady is insistent on it, claiming to have a letter from the insurance stating as such, though, looking at the letter it sounds more like there was a problem with how the billing people have been coding the therapies when billing insurance. Hopefully this will get straightened out before February. B can't take off work four mornings a week to take me to therapy... he'd have to start working both Saturday AND Sunday to make up missing all that work.
I'm still on the Bactrim until i get above 200 and stay there for a couple of months or so. My rehab doc gave me a prescription for Nortiptyline a while back because the Ambien wasn't doing any good. All it did was make me a zombie where I couldn't even walk to the bedroom but once I was asleep the effects didn't help me sleep any longer than without it. The new stuff actually seems to help.. I still wake a up alot at night to turn over, but I'm more easily able to go back to sleep. From reading abotu the drug, it sounds like it is also used to treat bed-wetting. so I guess because of that it dries me out some and I don't usually have to get up to pee at night which I think also contributs to me being able to go back to sleep easier. We've switched to yet another therapy place. My time at the last place was up and When I was at the rehab doc for my last round of Botox in December, she gave us a referral to this other place up near us just around the corner from the last place... As usual, the OT doesn't seem to really know what to do with me... but she's not a sadistic bitch like the OT at the last place... I still miss the god part time therapist from the last place. She was the only person in the last year and a half to give me any glimmer of hope that I would be able to use my hand again. The only problem is that the scheduling lady has it in her head the my insurance is going to stop covering two therapy sessions on the same day starting in February.. so that rather than us going two days a week and having OT and PT back-to=back, We'll have to come four days a week doing one each day! The insurance company says that's not true, but the scheduling lady is insistent on it, claiming to have a letter from the insurance stating as such, though, looking at the letter it sounds more like there was a problem with how the billing people have been coding the therapies when billing insurance. Hopefully this will get straightened out before February. B can't take off work four mornings a week to take me to therapy... he'd have to start working both Saturday AND Sunday to make up missing all that work.
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