Long time no see!

Sorry it's been about 8 months since I last updated.
Life has been pretty mundane and rudimentary that I just forget to come here and post.

However, with such a long absence, there is quite a bit to update as I have had several appointments and changes.

At the end of February, My depression was getting to a point that I had to do something. I was not seeing a single bit of evidence that my hand was making any progress and I feared that if I didn't do something to allow me to play something again, I might kill myself.

So I sent my saxophone to be converted to a one-handed mechanism. it's a process that takes about a year and costs as much as a decent American sedan, but I had to do it. I'm not giving up on my hand, but I need to be able to play something until my hand functions and I can return to playing a normal instrument again. or *if* my hand never functions at a level that I can return to playing, I need to be able to play in some way and have a backup plan.

The tech that is modifying my instrument helped design the system he is putting on it,.. He received my sax on arch 2nd, but it was mid April before he was able to start work on it.

I have to say that since sending my instrument off, my moods have been MUCH better, and the suicidal thoughts have gone completely away... and as an added bonus, I'm starting to see some progress in my hand!!! (Huzzah!)

Around April or May, I stopped using my walking stick completely. I now walk with no assistance at all. In May, we found out that Medicaid hadn't been paying my therapy bills for months and we had about a $5,000 tab. the director of the therapy place I've been going to since January, decided to drop my write off my bill and I'm now paying my therapy sessions a la carte, only at a greatly reduced fee that I can actually afford. Because my walking has improved so much , my physical therapist decided that since I'm having to pay for my therapy myself, we could take a hiatus from PT unless I decided I needed a refresher.


Now as far as doctor's appointments.
In April, I had another MRI. Everything was still clear, so my next scan and visit with my oncologist is in December.. Every visit, he extends the length of time between scans... at first it was three months, then he moved it to six months, and nw 8 months. That's a good sign. :-)


I've had a few visits with Dr. C. Viral load is still "undetectable" and CD4 has been around 150 the last couple of labs. next visit is in October. If I can get it up to 200 for a couple of months or so, I'll be able to drop the last antibiotic. I don't mind taking the Bactrim, as it doesn't give me any side effects

I just hadanother round of Botox about two weeks ago. My doctor has been concentrating most of the injections on my arm and hand, since that is still where the tone is the worst. This time one of her doctors in residence did the injections while she supervised. There was one muscle on my arm that they had a hell of a time finding, and they had to stick me about four or five times in the same general area before being able to inject. a couple of days later I noticed one nasty looking bruise in that spot.

Thankfully, even though the procedure took longer than usual, the pain level was about the same as I'm used to... It's still nothing as painful as the first time I had Botox when I was in the hospital. But as I tell everyone, it's still not something I enjoy having to go through every three or four months.

I recently reconnected with my old high school band directors on Facebook.. it's been nice talking to my head director again. I had communicated with him via e-mail a couple of times after coming home from the hospital and getting situated, but the e-mails stopped after two or the exchanges. I had found my assistant director a few weeks ago and when he confirmed my friend request, I saw he was friends with my head director, so I sent him a request too. Turned out, he had just recently joined up on FB a week or two prior, which was why I hadn't found him on there before. :-)

I'm sure there's more.. but I will save that for a post in a few days.

Now for the double post: I apoligize for the negativity of this portion, but it's been on my mind lately.

I don't know how much longer I can take of this...
I can live with walking the way I walk now for the rest of my life. I don't fall and only occasionally need a hand to get up from a low chair or if I've been sitting for a long time
I can live with having help cutting my steak for as rarely as I eat food that requires being cut. And I can live with having to lean my walking stick against the wall to open a door with a twist handle. I can even live without playing flute for the rest of my life(it was always my weakest instrument any way and I was never all that good). But I don't think I can live with not being able to play clarinet/saxophone for the rest of my life. (*especially* clarinet) for eighteen years of my life, clarinet/music was *ALL* I knew. That's nearly two thirds of my life. Sometimes I wish the stroke had just killed me July 28, 2008 rather than make me go through the pain of not being able to play any more. A couple of nights ago I had one of my moments Where I had a dream about playing, even poorly, and I was happy for a moment in the dream world. But when I awoke to my usual sorrow of realizing it was just a dream and my hand was still s useless mass of flesh and bones, I started sobbing uncontrollably.. I had to get up and go to the coputer to finish sobbing soI wouldn't wake B. I tried to move my hand for a while cursing it and beating it when it wouldn't do crap for me; sobbing further.
I suppose I could learn to live without playing saxophone considering I was nothing compared to real saxophonists. I had two former students that are both very talented musicians and saxophone players. But looking at my track record as a teacher, I think I just got lucky with having two gifted children so closely spaced and from the same school that I let myself be convinced I was finally a decent teacher, and thought it ironic that my best students were not playing the instrument I spent so much of my life trying to perfect my art on. When really I can take no credit for the success these two young players have had; They would have been just as successful with any teacher.

Today is probably going to be a double post. first an update... My appointment with Dr. C was back on the 7th of January... The stupid lab didn't run my CD4 test, so my doc wouldn't see me until thy got the rest of the results in. so I'm still undetectable and my CD4 is up another nine points to 101.

I'm still on the Bactrim until i get above 200 and stay there for a couple of months or so. My rehab doc gave me a prescription for Nortiptyline a while back because the Ambien wasn't doing any good. All it did was make me a zombie where I couldn't even walk to the bedroom but once I was asleep the effects didn't help me sleep any longer than without it. The new stuff actually seems to help.. I still wake a up alot at night to turn over, but I'm more easily able to go back to sleep. From reading abotu the drug, it sounds like it is also used to treat bed-wetting. so I guess because of that it dries me out some and I don't usually have to get up to pee at night which I think also contributs to me being able to go back to sleep easier. We've switched to yet another therapy place. My time at the last place was up and When I was at the rehab doc for my last round of Botox in December, she gave us a referral to this other place up near us just around the corner from the last place... As usual, the OT doesn't seem to really know what to do with me... but she's not a sadistic bitch like the OT at the last place... I still miss the god part time therapist from the last place. She was the only person in the last year and a half to give me any glimmer of hope that I would be able to use my hand again. The only problem is that the scheduling lady has it in her head the my insurance is going to stop covering two therapy sessions on the same day starting in February.. so that rather than us going two days a week and having OT and PT back-to=back, We'll have to come four days a week doing one each day! The insurance company says that's not true, but the scheduling lady is insistent on it, claiming to have a letter from the insurance stating as such, though, looking at the letter it sounds more like there was a problem with how the billing people have been coding the therapies when billing insurance. Hopefully this will get straightened out before February. B can't take off work four mornings a week to take me to therapy... he'd have to start working both Saturday AND Sunday to make up missing all that work.